So I decided to offer a rebuttal.
1. The most beautiful thing you can do is smile.
This list is off to a bad start. Was this written by the man who catcalled me in Bushwick last week? The most beautiful thing you can do is whatever the fuck you want and not let anyone tell you what to do.
2. Embrace whatever genre of music you enjoy listening to. Don't let anyone tell you it's "not music."
True, unless you really like post-grunge, in which case, it's not music.
3. But just know there will never be a better song than "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins.
Give me a break. This song is cool to blast in the car but there are plenty of better ones. Phil Collins himself has said that this song doesn't even really have a meaning except "This is one song out of all the songs probably that I've ever written that I really don't know what it's about, you know?" Deep thoughts, Phil.
4. It's OK to think another woman is beautiful.
Of course it's okay to think another woman is beautiful. The sentiment here is similar to "It's okay to be friends with a black guy." It's almost saying "It's okay to think another woman is beautiful.... but that's all. No scissoring." How about, instead of this boring drivel, "It's OK to love whomever you want to love."
5. Don't be catty to other women. You'll need them when we all overthrow the world together.
Also because of real reasons--ones that don't involve the implication that feminism = women ruling the world, which just gives antifeminists ammunition.
6. Don't let any man convince you that he is powerful enough to change you.
7. Even if he bought you dinner, you owe him nothing.
Maybe a "Thank you"? But seriously, let's just come out with it: You don't owe him sex. Even if he buys you a Maserati, you don't owe him sex.
8. The amount of pride you feel when you look good in your bikini for 20 minutes is far less than the happiness Taco Bell can bring you. I promise.
I would aim higher than the diarrhea cannon that is Taco Bell. I had some arepas and a cocada at this place a couple weeks ago that were to die for.
Also, why are you only in your bikini for 20 minutes? That doesn't really make sense.
9. Develop a lust to see the world around you.
Yawn, and grammatically clunky. Did you steal this from a 17-year-old girl's Instagrammed photo of a sunrise?
10. It's OK if you don't want to play princess or put on makeup.
I'll give you this one.
11. But it's OK if you do, too.
And this one too. But this is the kind of thing you should probably be telling your son, as girls are not usually told they shouldn't be playing princess.
12. But at least try rugby once for me.
Fine. Where do I sign up?
13. Make sure your life is actually as fun as your Instagram profile makes it out to be.
So I should post pictures of myself at work, sleeping, playing Words With Friends while watching TV, cooking up some Bachelorette Chow, etc.?
True story, my cousin once commented on a picture of me during a trip to Washington, D.C., asking how much time I spend traveling because it seems like a lot. I said "It only seems that way because it's Facebook." I guess my Facebook does make it look like I travel often--which I sometimes do--but it's only because I don't post boring daily updates about mundane activities.
In short, "We must have reasons for Instagrams but we need none for silence."
14. Don't smile if you don't mean it.
True. But I thought smiling was the most beautiful thing I could do?
15. You really don't need another girl to go to the bathroom with you.
I guess this is true, but it's another one that seems like it has a hidden agenda. Don't internalize tired stand-up comedy bits talmbout "It's weird how girls always go to the bathroom together. Men never do that." Take fifteen other girls to the bathroom with you if you want. Someone will be sure to have spare tampons in case you need one.
16. Be blind to gender, race, sexuality and religious beliefs.
Race matters. Do not be blind to these differences. "Don't treat people badly because of their race, gender, sexuality or religious beliefs" would be a more appropriate way to word this.
People who "don't see race" are white. White people who whine about "Why isn't there a white history month?" Because every other month is white history month. And if you paid attention to race, you would realize that.
Teach your daughter to understand that everyone is different, but because of that, they bring different perspectives and ideas to the table. Teach your daughter to listen to people whose experience is different from her own and not to be "blind to it."
17. People are people.
What? This one is here just so you could get to 101, isn't it? Is the next one going to be "It is what it is"?
18. There are few things in life that candles and Fleetwood Mac can't fix.
19. Don't let any man whistle at you on the street and get away with it.
I absolutely believe street harassment should end. But I also believe you should pick your battles. If he whistles, keep walking. If he asks you if he can "cum in your throat," (yes, I've heard that one) then put him in his motherfucking place.
20. If you can't wear sweatpants and be beer bloated around them, they aren't really your friends.
Eh, yeah, I guess. Maybe we just aren't on that level yet? I'm friendly some people whom I might get some coffee with, but we aren't going to wear sweatpants and fart together. Friends can have boundaries.
21. Find friends who are OK with holding your hair back.
Yeah.
22. Be there to hold theirs, too.
Okay, but I reserve the right to hold my breath, close my eyes and gag a little. And don't hate me if I throw up on you.
23. Never let a location be your excuse.
What?
24. You can be the best from wherever you are.
This is just getting stupid. Is this the sequel to the extremely riveting number 23?
25. Develop a voice, and make it loud.
Don't yell, though, we're trying to read.
26. Your success is not my success. It's yours and yours alone.
Are we telling this to our daughters or to ourselves?
27. Even if you're tall, wear the damn heels.
Hell yes.
28. I would really like it if you read Jane Eyre.
I majored in English literature and I haven't read Jane Eyre. I'll get around to it. You know what I'd like my daughter to read? The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And A Brief History of Time. And Harry Potter.
29. But if you end up liking Twilight, that's cool too.
I read Twilight. It was incredibly bad, but I couldn't put it down. If my daughter decides to read Twilight, I want her to be able to understand why Bella is a Mary Sue, Edward is a stalker and the whole thing is a big metaphor for abstinence and pro-life, which makes it utter bullshit--but entertaining bullshit nonetheless.
30. No 50 Shades of Grey, though.
31. That sh*t is terrible.
32. Please, watch Friends.
Give me a break. I like Friends, but it's not so good that I hope my children watch it. There are a lot of problems with Friends, including but definitely not limited to how "fat Monica" was a common punchline. Wow, fat people doing things like wanting love and acceptance is so hilarious!
33. At least consider joining the Peace Corps.
Props on this one.
34. Go antique shopping.
Again, dull as dishwater. I guess the editor removed "With a Starbucks in your hand and your best girlfriends by your side."
35. Keep the ticket stubs.
You'll need them because otherwise you'll forget what you did, I guess? Brilliant advice.
36. Always wash your face before you go to bed.
This is probably the most important thing on this list.
37. You don't need to bathe yourself in perfume.
Or even wear perfume if you don't want to.
38. Go swimming with your clothes on.
What? Why?
39. Go swimming with no clothes on.
Yaaas.
40. A juice cleanse is never, and never will be, a good idea.
Cleanses in general are bad science. A+
41. You're obligated to watch The Lion King with me at least five times in your life.
Pandering to nostalgia for shares. Next.
42. Believe in guardian angels.
You've gotta be kidding me. I'll leave this one to the king.
43. Make wishes on fallen eyelashes.
And always use those wishes for a parent who wants to teach you about real, important things.
44. Be passionate.
45. Be overly passionate.
46. Be so passionate that people think you might be a little insane.
Previous three items are really just one thing separated out. I guess if you find a thing you're really passionate about that's cool but when you're so super hyped up about something that you never shut up about it, you become annoying. Don't be annoying. Be reasonable.
47. Feminists aren't scary.
Well, yeah. What a bland statement to make about feminism. From the phrasing I'd guess you're trying to get across that you aren't one, but that they aren't horrible monsters.
48. Learn to play the game Spoons.
49. And Euchre.
I don't know either of those games, but I'm sure they're fine. Whatever. You could sub in pretty much anything here.
50. Don't stretch yourself too thin.
'Kay.
51. Never shrink yourself.
Yawn.
52. Don't let anyone tell you it's a phase if you don't think it is.
It probably is, especially if you're under the age of 25.
53. Your sexuality does not define your morality.
True.
54. Go to a music festival at least once.
If I catch you at The Gathering of the Juggalos, you are dead to me.
55. Don't dress the way fashion editors tell you to dress, dress the way they dress.
This one I actually liked. This is a decent piece of fashion advice that I haven't heard before.
56. If your job or your success emasculates him, he isn't worth it.
I wish this read "If he thinks your job or..."
57. Find a man who has more balls than you do.
58. Or woman.
59. And that's OK.
Find a woman with balls, check.
60. If a guy talks to you in clichés, run.
What if my mom does it, in list form?
61. Your value does not come from your appearance, age or size.
62. It never will.
Did this one need to be two?
63. High school is not the best time of your life.
64. College is.
Telling a person that something will be the best thing ever usually has a way of making it suck.
Don't tell me what's the best time of my life. The latter part of my twenties have been amazing. College was fine but I think I might have been a borderline alcoholic and I had zero friends.
This item also has a bonus implication that everything after college (living in a tiny room with a stranger, drinking shitty beer and eating freeze-dried noodles every day) is a downward spiral. Thanks, mom!
65. The question "What are you thinking?" will work wonders.
Use sparingly.
66. Dance like a maniac in your room with your headphones in.
67. I won't laugh.
I will.
68. Meet someone who makes you laugh so hard you pee.
69. Hold onto them forever.Maybe that nice transwoman from number 59.
70. Go barefoot.
Agreed.
71. Don't be naïve.
Telling someone to gain experience totally works. I once told a baby to be potty trained and poof, he was.
72. Sometimes being classy is overrated.
No, it isn't.
73. Keep your head up.
Woh-oh, hold your head hiiiiiiigh.... What? Oh, are we still doing this? Look, we could have condensed this list into about ten things.
74. Believe in magic.
I think you spelled Spanx wrong.
75. Don't regret the times you feel sad. How else will you appreciate the times you feel good?
Shut uuuuuup
76. Everything in moderation.
77. Even moderation.
But not passion, I guess?
A lot of these are in sets of two now. Maybe 101 was a lofty goal?
78. Coffee is good for your soul.
But don't become one of these people.
79. Be unapologetically honest.
Nah. Be honest, but realize that you can't always be honest. Not every situation calls for unapologetic honesty. Learn the difference.
80. Connect to music on a level deeper than even you understand.
81. Wake up early.
If you have to.
82. Find a good gay best friend.
83. He'll let you sleep in his bed and borrow his eyeliner.
Okay, I'm going to stop you right there. This list is terrible but this is a new low. A few items back you were totally cool with homosexuality and now you're suggesting gay men are some sort of accessories to add to your collection. And you're suggesting all gay men are the same, they all have eyeliner and they don't mind sleeping in the same bed as women.
If I want my daughter to learn anything, it's that people are not there for our amusement. As with the rest of us humans, homosexual people are all different. I have several gay male friends who do not own eyeliner and, to say the least, would not feel comfortable if I suggested we sleep in the same bed for no reason so that I could tweet about it and probably use the hashtag #gaybestfriend.
If you want to borrow somebody's eyeliner, maybe you should get friend who's, I dunno, a girl? Or maybe you should just get your own eyeliner and make friends with whom you connect, and not try to fill out some white girl fantasy friend checklist.
84. Don't let anyone push you around.
Yeah, yeah. Are we almost to the end?
85. Surround yourself with colorful, beautiful people.
Manic pixie dream girls?
86. Remember that not everyone will think like you.
Some people have depth!
87. Never pass up an experience in favor of sleep.
Depends on the experience. If y'all are going to the moss museum, I'll be right here.
88. The painful truth is always easier than a messy lie.
I mean, haven't you ever watched Frasier?
89. Drink champagne and dance on the table.
Thanks, Confucius.
90. Make a Bucket List.
91. Make a Nectar List.
I had to look up Nectar List, and it's dumb.
92. Always say "I love you" before you leave.
I wholeheartedly agree. Really.
93. Never ignore what's in front of you in favor of taking a photograph.
94. Learn how to successfully get to the front row of concerts.
Buy a front-row ticket.
95. Go camping without worrying about how dirty your hair will get.
Who worries about that? There's plenty of reasonable things to worry about when it comes to going camping. Ticks, for one.
96. Learn to love the way you laugh.
A-HYUK!
97. Laugh often.
98. Be cheesy.
Fine, I'll give you this one too. Be ironically cheesy though, so people get that you aren't that lame.
99. When you feel a good moment, absorb it.
This is just like the one about taking a photo from before.
100. Find beauty in everything.
101. Don't let fear hold you back from anything.
Wow, I thought there would be something good at the end, something with a little personality. I was wrong.
